I looked today and realized that the last time I posted anything here on my blog was March 30th. I am so sorry. Time has disappeared somehow while my life has been crazy, hectic and heartbreaking.
On the twelfth of April I lost my precious mom. Some days I don't know how I'm existing without her and other days I remind myself that she is no longer suffering and that thought gets me through. It's been tough, but I know she would not want me to stop living...so I keep plugging along, hoping for more of the fleeting moments when I can remember her with a smile on my face, and less of the moments that rip my heart to shreds.
We have had some good times, though. Our son, J, became FORMALLY engaged to his wonderful girlfriend, G. Her ring was on order when my mom's condition took a turn for the worse. Fearing her sudden change in condition and wanting her to know their good news, they took a picture from the jeweler's catalog to show to mom.
In her last lucid moment my mom recognized them both, smiled from ear to ear, congratulated them and told them that the ring was "beautiful...not gaudy at all". Amazingly, she remembered discussing some overly ornate rings that G had dismissed as ugly and mom had agreed were "gaudy"!
My mom, who for DAYS had not recognized anyone, or even spoken, gave J and G a wonderful lasting memory. For a few short minutes, when it really mattered, she was "MomMom". Five minutes later she retreated back into her far away world...never rallying again before she passed away.
G and her adorable son have moved into our home while they save for a wedding and a place of their own. I have found joy, and hope, in the little guy. He is the grandson of my heart and I would give my life for his. Just the sound of his voice calling for "Grandma" can instantly lessen my pain. He and his mommy have saved us all.
Last week I sat in front of my sewing machine for the first time and completed this mini for my foyer. My original plan was to add embellishments such as buttons and beads for bling, but it's a thought still caught in limbo. I am finding it difficult to make even the smallest of decisions...so unlike my usual decisive nature. I find my mind drifting off, a million miles away, only brought back to the present by those around me. When, oh when, will I once again live fully in the here and now? I guess that, too, is beyond my control at the moment. Maybe tomorrow will be the day?
